Not That Wife

(This post was published on March 19, 2008, so the mentioned events are not recent...my husband's back surgery happened nearly 2 years ago. Still, this has always been one of my favorite posts even though my weaknesses are accented. --My apologies to those of you who have read this more than once...I normally don't repost things more than once, but today, I needed to reread this one.)

Earlier this week, during a phone conversation with my soul sister Jaime, I giddily recounted several falling in love with The Professor stories. The backdrop for the tales was painted more than nine years ago. Colors representing excitement, adventure, love, passion, yearning, searching, and expectation splattered the canvass of our love story adding texture to the abstract illustration.


While enrolled in premarital counseling class a pastor shared a story about a young couple struck by tragedy only weeks after their “I do’s” were spoken. A car accident rendered the husband paralyzed from waist to toe. The resolve of the young wife to honor and love the man she married never wavered. She nurtured him without complaint and worked both inside and outside their home. The pastor smiled as he announced that the couple would soon be celebrating 35 years of marriage and that the husband tirelessly bestowed praise on the wife of his youth who was a living example of platinum strength agape love. After hearing that touching tribute I thought “I will be that wife.”

Fast-forward nine years. I am not that wife. Boy those are tough words to type.


Tears swamped my jaded eyes only 12 hours after Jaime and I talked. My tears were not watery symbols of anger or displeasure with The Professor. Instead they were tears of self disappointment and failure. Three weeks ago the professor underwent extensive back surgery. The healing process crawls forward at a leisurely pace and although physical nerves are repaired emotional ones are, at best, frayed. I’m not that wife.


My exhaustion gets the best of me and ignoring James 5:9 I sometimes grumble. Sometimes I search for accolades. Sometimes I pout. And to make it worse my grumbling, pouting, and self-praise digging are not kept private. I flaunt them in front of The Professor, because I’m not that wife.

I’ve been a resident in my own “Perfectionists Anonymous” rehab center long enough to know that this thought process can be the first falling domino in a long line of self destructive behavior. Lamenting that I am not that wife, who by the way happens to be a women whom I have never met, hinders me from being the wife that God intends me to be to my husband.


I’m blessed that a forgiving heart beats in the chest of my Professor because I’m not perfect. Nor will I be. I’m the wife who makes mistakes that surpass burning toast and losing car keys. I’m the wife who gets angry, tired, and lonely.


I am also the wife who learns, albeit slowly, from her mistakes. I am the wife with a repentant heart. A heart that yearns to love as Christ loves and to forgive as Christ forgave. I am the wife who knows that her marriage is worth fighting for even if it means pummeling her own selfishness. I am the wife who is humbled so that her Father can be glorified. I am the wife who keeps trying, the wife who is driven to her knees beseeching assistance from the Perfect One. I am the wife who knows that only Christ can give her that platinum strength agape love she desires to give to the man who taught her that love is a choice.

"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Colossians 3:12-14, NIV.

Committed to Marriage #4

Video Thursday - Committed to Marriage #3

Video Thursday - Committed to Marriage #2

It's Never Been Fair - Anniversary Repost

(This was originally posted one year ago today as a 9th anniversary gift to my husband. I changed the nine to a ten in paragraph six for the repost.)


All is fair in love and war…or so goes the old saying that traces back to John Lyly's Euphues written in 1578. For centuries, the adage has granted individuals the right to cheat on the battlefields of both ground and heart.



Ironically, any solider who has fought for his country will tell you that there is nothing fair about war. No matter the reasons for entering a fight, terror and ugliness abound savagely. But I’ll leave the subject of war for other writers to discuss. Love is the impetus of my current thoughts.



Contrary to Lyly’s famous line, the only commonality that I know exist between love and war is that neither is fair. Yet, unlike war, it is the unfairness component of love that can add unfathomable beauty.



Love, in its purist, sacrificial form has never been fair. As God sculpted Adam from the fresh earth, He knew that His most glorious creation would break His heart. Yet still, God breathed man to life. It was not fair, but the beauty cannot be denied.



When the world knew only darkness and despair, God sent hope in the form of His son, Jesus Christ. The sinless man and true embodiment of love was scorned, spat upon, rejected, beaten, and killed by a method that glorified cruelty as sport. The image of my sweet Savior nailed to a brutal cross swells a lump in my throat. It was the greatest atrocity committed by mankind, one in which I bear some of the blame. It. Was. Not. Fair. But the beauty, the stunning, breath stealing beauty, cannot be denied.



Ten years ago today, my mother and sisters helped me step into a white gown and placed a bouquet of pink roses into my unsteady hands. Pachabel’s Cannon played as my dad and PapPap guided me down the aisle to my Professor. As we exchanged vows, pieces of cake, and many kisses, delusions of fairness occupied space in my mind.



It took me less than two weeks to learn that our marriage was not going to be fair. Fifty-fifty? Equal give-and-take? Those are just good-intentioned, but flawed concepts. Our marriage experienced illnesses that rattled our faith, emotional pain that rammed us to our knees, and losses that ransacked our haven. Our marriage is not fair, but its beauty cannot be denied.



Arms open to embrace one in need of forgiveness…beautiful. Fingers entwined as a new life swallows her first gulps of air…beautiful. Tears cried for the one who aches…beautiful. Hands steadying the one whose body is ravaged my pain…beautiful. Laughter echoing throughout corridors…beautiful. Feet that stumble as they walk a rugged path, but also glide as they dance…beautiful. Lips that touch softly as evidence to both passion and commitment...beautiful.



Love. Unbridled, agape love, a love that is taught by its Creator, is not fair. I don’t think it was designed to be fair. But its glorious beauty cannot be denied.



Happy anniversary my Professor. Thank you for choosing to love this flawed, undeserving woman. Your face is handsome, but your heart is beautiful.



"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. I Corinthians 13:4-7 (New American Standard Bible)."

Video Thursday - Committed to Marriage #1

Ten years ago this month, The Professor and I became husband and wife. With our vows we made a commitment to each other and to God...we made a commitment to marriage.

The Video Thursday Posts for this month will all be dedicated to marriage.

The Bedroom and The Bible

White sand. Florida Sunshine. Ocean breeze. I (hopefully) am enjoying all three of those luxuries today and for the rest of the week. While I'm away, I lined up a few guest writers.

Today's special guest is Wifey from Ask Wifey. I wish I could have seen her face when she first read my request asking her to write a guest blog post about sex.
I asked her to write about sex for two reasons. (1) She writes a weekly column about sex, so I knew she wouldn't be shy. (2) Sex is a beautiful part of a healthy Christian marriage.

I hope you enjoy her perspective. Angela

(P.S. I promise you I did not pay her to write all those nice things about me)


Marriage: The Bedroom and The Bible


When Angela asked me to write a guest post for Becoming Me I was thrilled as it’s one of my favorite reads, but when I saw the topic she wanted me to write about I must say I was a little shocked.


Sex.


Gasp!


That’s right; one of my favorite Christian bloggers asked me to write a sex post. Hmm. Not being a Christian blogger myself (I am a Christian, my blog is just not religious themed) you might see how this made me a little uneasy. She anticipated my initial reaction and assured me that it was appropriate and that she would like for me to share my thoughts on sex in marriage and how God intended it to be wonderful, not a thing of shame.


That’s why Angela is who she is – insightful, inspiring, thought-provoking, and forward-thinking. And that’s why I continually read Becoming Me, because her posts give me a daily dose of spiritual juice and help me look at things through a new lens.


And, of course, she is right; sex in marriage was intended to be wonderful and not a thing of shame. A few years ago I wrote an article for Upscale magazine (Feb 2007) titled, “Sex in the Scriptures: Does the Bible Belong in a Married Couple’s Bedroom?” While researching the piece I spoke to several clergy members and professors about their thoughts on sex and marriage and questioned if it was purely for procreation. I gladly received a resounding “no.”

In the article Father Ricardo Bailey, Parochial Vicar at Holy Spirit Catholic Church in Atlanta explained, “Sex in and of its self is intended to be a gift that each person brings to the conjugal act of marriage, but sex is also God’s gift to us to express our love to one another. When it’s done in the way that God intended it, which is from what the church teaches us in and through the sacrament of matrimony, then it can be a source of pleasure and enjoyment.”


Sex is such a touchy subject – literally – however it’s such an important part of a healthy marriage. Understanding and embracing that, and nurturing your sex life is critical to your relationship with your spouse. Sex should not be forgotten, forbidden or taken for granted.


1 Corinthians 7:4-5 says “For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”


When you can allow yourself to enjoy the pleasure, passion and intimacy of sex with your partner – guilt free – it truly is a wonderful thing.

Winks & Smiles,
Wifey


You can find Wifey at AskWifey.com and at TheBlogRollers.com. She is the author of “Help! I’m a Newlywed…What Do I Do Now? Wife-Saving Advice Every New Bride Must Know to Survive the First Year of Marriage.”

If Momma Ain't Happy: Part 2

Today's post is part 2 from my real life friend Jean Strating. Jean and her husband Jack have been married for 41 years and have three grown children. Jean is not a blogger, but she does have a passion for studying and sharing God's word. Here are some more of her thoughts on marriage. She picks up right where she left off yesterday, so you may want to read that post before diving into this one.

If Momma Ain’t Happy Nobody’s Happy - Part 2:



So you think you are a team, a partnership, one in Christ, but there are pitfalls that can destroy a family. Those pitfalls can be caused by extended families, different opinions on how to do anything from raising children to how to put away the dishes, choosing a vocation, or even choosing what church to attend.


Talking out problems and coming to a decision, or a compromise, takes work but well worth the effort. Most of the time my husband and I have been able to talk out issues that come up as equal partners, but there have been a very few times in 41 years of marriage has he had to exercise his role as head of our home when decision making came to an impasse. There have also been a few times when he has come to my defense to protect me from people that he knew would hurt me. Thankfully, that has not happened very often but sadly it was with family (in-law) issues. Just as a man is expected to leave his family and cleave to his wife so should a woman cleave to her husband.


As our marriage grew so did we. Not always at the same rate, but always growing in our relationship with each other and with God. We also encourage and protect each other. Not long ago a family member was lashing out at me on the phone when my husband took the phone and said from then on they go through him instead of hurting me. Parent can be some of the worst manipulators, especially when there are children in a family. Maybe there is a good reason for missing Christmas one year but you are afraid if you don’t go there will be unpleasant consequences. What do you do? Cave in or stand up for your decision?


Sometimes with decisions there are hard choices. When a couple marries how do they decide what church to go to or where to live? What if she likes a church because her friends are there and they have lots of activities, but he is looking for a church where there are people that will teach and disciple them? Does he keep mamma happy and stay where she is comfortable? What if your in-laws are always critical of you? Do you avoid hurting their feelings and act like nothing is wrong around them or ask them to please stop. Then there is how many kids do we have; as many as God gives you or maybe none at all? Be sure there will be lots of people that will give you their opinions, wanted or not.


If your marriage is centered in Christ and you are partners as well as individuals that seek what is best for each other, rather than yourself, the issue of headship and being subject to your husband should rarely come up. When it does, ask yourself if your husband is lovingly protecting you or are you being selfish and not wanting to give in? Marriage doesn’t operate well in a vacuum either. Titus 2 tells us how we should act and how older men and women should mentor, and be an example to, younger men and women. Seek wisdom and advice from others and ask them to pray for you.

If Momma Ain't Happy Nobody's Happy: Part 1

Today's guest post is from my real life friend Jean Strating. Jean and her husband Jack have been married for 41 years and have three grown children. Jean is not a blogger, but she does have a passion for studying and sharing God's word. Here are some of her thoughts about Biblical submission, a topic that is so often misunderstood.

If Momma Ain’t Happy Nobody’s Happy - Part 1:

How many times have we heard, “If momma ain’t happy nobody’s happy”? I even have a friend who wrote a song with that as the title. But why isn’t momma happy? Is she sad or is she not getting her way in the relationship with her husband?


Marriage is a covenant made with God and a partnership between two people. What does God expect of us in this covenant partnership? In Genesis 2:24 we are told and man shall leave his father and mother and cleave (hold fast) to his wife: and they shall be one flesh. In Hebrews 13:4 we are told to let marriage be held in honor by all. Sounds easy enough, right? Get engaged, have a nice wedding, move into your own home and become a family. Then why do so many of us feel we are not doing a good job as a spouse or are not happy in marriage?


The Apostle Paul writes about marriage in his letter to the Ephesians. What would a single man living in New Testament times know about marriage? It seems he knew to compare marriage to the relationship between Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5:22 – 33). The relationship of the wife to her husband is to be “subject” to him as the Church is subject to Christ. The Greek word for “subject” (adj.) means in submission to or in control of.


You may be thinking, “Whoa! I’m not under the control of any man, including my husband!” But look deeper into the Ephesians passage where it talks about love and respect. If I don’t love and respect my husband how should I expect him to love and respect me? If I am my husbands’ partner and want my own way it would be like two horses harnessed together, each pulling in a different direction, and getting nowhere.


Likewise, if my husband wanted his way it would be the same thing. When two become one it is not only a sexual reference but could also be looked at like that team of horses; separately they may have the freedom to go their own way, but when they are harnessed together they become one team and so it should be with us.


If a man loves his wife as he loves himself and the wife, in turn, respects her husband then the issue of control should rarely come into the relationship. I believe in the spiritual headship of a husband, but that does not mean he has been given the right to use a heavy hand to make his wife submit to anything he wants. Rather it gives the husband the opportunity to grow in Christ with his wife and demonstrate his love of Christ by the way he loves his wife. He should not only love her romantically (Greek = eros) but also rationally seeking the welfare of others (Greek = agape). Even if the romance dwindles with time and/or children the rational love must be sustained.

(To be continued)

A Word of Advice

Just between you and me...I think Blogger, Internet Explorer, and Word all have a few control issues and perfectionist tendencies. And if anyone is qualified to make such a diagnosis...it's me. Forget that I neither have a degree in psychology or more than 11 grams worth of technical prowess. I'm basing my pedigree on a well known fact I learned in the second grade: "It takes one to know one." I first heard that phrase from a little boy in a green and white striped Garanimal shirt, who was defending himself from an accusation coming from a little boy garbed in OshKosh overalls; but I'm sure Freud coined it first. Freud could probably also explain why such useless details such as the clothing choices of my grade school classmates remain in my mind today.


Through my technical trials I have learned that the only way that my posts on Becoming Me can be read by everyone, regardless of browser choice, is for me to write and publish them in only this font size and by using the blogger template (no cutting and pasting). This creates some editing challenges for me...I'm working on it. I promise.


However, other blogs seem to be able to post my writings using cut and paste techniques. Today you can read thoughts by me at both 5 Minutes for Faith and Ask Wifey.


When "Wifey" (AKA Lorraine Sanabira Robertson, a nationally published freelance writer, author, public relations consultant, blogger, and radio/television personality) asked me to participate in her blog advice series Wive's Words, I felt unqualified for the task.


I certainly did not want to tell her no. This is a woman whom I respect and consider a friend. Yet, I felt I owed her honesty, so I agreed to answer her interview questions, but sent her a disclaimer with my acceptance. I do not remember my exact phrasing, but I think the words "I'm not a very good wife" were included. Wifey responded to my disclaimer with words of encouragement.


If you are interested in some honest mariatal advice written by an imperfect wife who relies heavily upon her perfect Saviour, please visit Ask Wifey to read my thoughts. Wifey's blog has also been a part of my "must read" list since last March, so if you have room in your feeder, I definitely recommend that you add her blog to it.

Words Aren't Always Needed

Due to caring for a sick toddler and husband, the following is a pitifully late and brief dedication to The Professor, my forever Valentine.

My husband is a quiet man. So quiet that when we first met, I never imagined us dating, let alone sharing our lives together. I'm a talker who thrives on words of affirmation. But my husband has a special gift for communicating without words.

The song "When You Say Nothing At All" sung by Allison Krauss, always makes me think of my husband.

Happy Valentines Day to my sweet Professor

For more Then Sings My Soul Saturday, visit Amy at Signs, Miracles, and Wonders.

Love Conquers All - Advice Letter To My 25-Year-Old Self

In the following advice letter to my younger self, I discuss love and marriage...both of which are a perfect fit for Kristen's Sealed with a Kiss (S.W.A.K.) Valentines Carnival. Links for the fun will follow this post.

Dear 25-Year-Old Me,

In August of the year Prince sung about with apocalyptic flair, you will step into an elegantly simple white gown, hold a bouquet of fresh pink roses, and walk into a garden as a glowing bride. Your wedding ceremony will be lovely, and the awe dancing in your man's eyes when he calls you his wife, will render you breathless.

Marrying The Professor (you'll call him that in a few years), is your most brilliant decision to date. In fact, I don't see how it can be matched...but the marrying part...that was easy. Being a wife, a wife of godly character, is a process consisting of choosing daily to love your husband.

I know that you have heard the cliché “love conquers all.” It's true. Oh, not in the Hollywood summer blockbuster sense. Romance alone, while an important marital spice, will not enable you to withstand the storms and fires about to come your way. When I write that love can conquer all, I am referring to the kind of love that is not limited by perception, personal desires, or tangible flaws. I'm referring to agape love...God's love. The very same love that conquered the cross on Calvary, is the only type of love capable of clobbering attacks that routinely assault marriages.

Two weeks after you and your new husband return from Jamaica, you'll move to a college town. He will pursue his Ph.D., and you will look for a job in a tough market. And that honeymoon period that is suppose to last for six months...well...it's going to end soon after those boxes are unpacked. And when it does, I need you to remember those eminent verses from I Corinthians. You know the ones I am writing about, because they are often recited at weddings...but how often are they lived?

Angela...You. Need. To. Live. Them. Even when you're exhausted. Even when you're sick. Even when you're hurt. Even when you're angry. Even when you're lonely. Even when you fall into the toilet at 2:00 a.m. because he forgot to put down the seat. You see, when you exchanged promises and rings with the love of your life, you signed up for "better and for worse, as long as you both shall live." And sometimes, there is a whole heap of worse before you see more of the better. But if you hold on to Christ, and love as He commands, your marriage will be draped with grace and beauty.

So remember...

Love is patient. Earning his Ph.D. will take more than seven years (I know, sweetie, I know), encourage him every step of the way.

Love is kind. Don't allow your fears and feelings of inadequacy swindle you into thinking that it is acceptable to lash out at your husband.

Love does not envy. It does not matter how many of your friends moved into new houses with fancy furniture after their weddings. Don't waste a moment fretting about what you want and what you do not have. Instead, look at that man who pledged his life to you, and thank God for the priceless gift of unconditional love.

Love does not boast. And love it is not proud. Love your husband, but don't try to out love him, and when you make a mistake, admit it, apologize for it, accept forgiveness, and let it go.

Love is not rude. And love is not self-seeking. Respect your husband and appreciate the man God created. And as you implement ideas to honor him and make him feel special, do not do so in the hopes of winning something from him in return.

Love is not easily angered. And love keeps no record of wrongs. Your first apartment together will measure less than 700 square feet. Believe it or not, you'll live in smaller. Money will be tight, and it gets even tighter. You and your husband won't always agree. There will be plenty opportunity for anger to sneak in. Don't allow it to get the upper hand. Ever. And when your husband makes a mistake, accept his apology and bury the mistake in a pit as deep as the one in which you would want your mistakes to reside.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

In other words, love can conquer all.

(Bold parts were taken from I Corinthians 13:4-8a, New International Version)

Kristen from We Are That Family is hosting a fabulous carnival this week to celebrate love and she's giving a way many fantastic prizes. Please check her out and share your story.

Birthday Bash Day Six - Celebrate Marriage

Congratulations to #31, Kimberly at A Planting for winning yesterday's random drawing.


After five days of birthday give-aways, we come to my actual birthday. It is official...I'm 35. Originally, I was going to include some reflective thoughts with this post, but it's already after Midnight and I just sat down to type...so, I'm going to jump right into the part about today's prize. I'm also going to beg for your forgiveness in advance for the mediocrity of my writing. Also, today's prize is not just for women---so if you are a male lurker, please don't be shy, your wife will thank you.

The rules for winning today are a bit different than earlier this week. Today's prize is available only to those of who write a blog post about my Birthday Bash (or simply post my Birthday Bash button---some of you have already done this and that's fine---no need to do it again) and include a link to Becoming Me on their blogs (yes, I'm going to verify the linkage). If you do not have a blog but would like a chance to win, you can enter by sending an e-mail to at least 5 of your friends explaining the contest. If you choose this option, be sure to CC me and include a link to Becoming Me in the e-mail. Of course, you still need to leave a comment so I know you're interested.

Today's prize is a Tee shirt (up to $18) by From*me Tees. From*me Tees offers a variety of designer T-shirts for husbands, wives, and children that display a positive image of marriage and family.

Here are a few samples.



I own a hot pink "My Husband Rocks" tee and my husband beams each time I wear it. You can read all about it here.

Again, to enter your name in the drawing, leave a comment and then let your readers know all about this contest. To add my button to your side bar or a blog post, simply download the picture of the button to your computer (I'm unable to post the code). Offer available only for US and Canadian Residents and the drawing will close at 9 pm tonight EST.

Celebrating My Man

The Professor is a modest man who is easily embarrassed by public praise. Whenever I compliment him in front of a crowd, he typically smiles awkwardly or corrects my affirmation. However, that does not mean that the man does not like to be encouraged, respected, or admired...because he does...just not with a lot of words.

So, when I saw an ad for apparel that celebrates the beauty of marriage, I knew that The Professor would feel loved if I owned a shirt proclaiming his greatness as a hubby. So, I bought one of these:


And we both love it! It's a hot pink long-sleeved fitted tee that can be purchased at
From*Me Tees.

I have so much fun wearing the shirt and The Professor loves seeing me in it. In addition to the message on the shirt, I am impressed by the quality of the product. My shirt is so soft and it did not shrink in the wash.

What I like best about From *Me Tees is its mission statement:

To enhance marriage relationships, communicate a positive image of marriage, and encourage/support the sanctity of the marriage covenant between a man and a woman in a fun and stylish way.

Marriage has been put down and altered so much lately. I think this is a simple, fun, yet beautiful way to not only celebrate ones spouse but to also celebrate the institution of marriage.

From*Me Tees sells apparel for men, women, and children. The children's shirts celebrate parents with the slogans "My Mommy Rocks" or "My Daddy Rocks." How cute is that?

It's Never Been Fair

(This was originally posted one year ago today as a 9th anniversary gift to my husband. I changed the 9 to a ten for the repost.)

All is fair in love and war…or so goes the old saying that traces back to John Lyly's Euphues written in 1578. For centuries, the adage has granted individuals the right to cheat on the battlefields of both ground and heart.

Ironically, any solider who has fought for his country will tell you that there is nothing fair about war. No matter the reasons for entering a fight, terror and ugliness abound savagely. But I’ll leave the subject of war for other writers to discuss. Love is the impetus of my current thoughts.

Contrary to Lyly’s famous line, the only commonality that I know exist between love and war is that neither is fair. Yet, unlike war, it is the unfairness component of love that can add unfathomable beauty.

Love, in its purist, sacrificial form has never been fair. As God sculpted Adam from the fresh earth, He knew that His most glorious creation would break His heart. Yet still, God breathed man to life. It was not fair, but the beauty cannot be denied.

When the world knew only darkness and despair, God sent hope in the form of His son, Jesus Christ. The sinless man and true embodiment of love was scorned, spat upon, rejected, beaten, and killed by a method that glorified cruelty as sport. The image of my sweet Savior nailed to a brutal cross swells a lump in my throat. It was the greatest atrocity committed by mankind, one in which I bear some of the blame. It. Was. Not. Fair. But the beauty, the stunning, breath stealing beauty, cannot be denied.

Ten years ago today, my mother and sisters helped me step into a white gown and placed a bouquet of pink roses into my unsteady hands. Pachabel’s Cannon played as my dad and PapPap guided me down the aisle to my Professor. As we exchanged vows, pieces of cake, and many kisses, delusions of fairness occupied space in my mind.

It took me less than two weeks to learn that our marriage was not going to be fair. Fifty-fifty? Equal give-and-take? Those are just good-intentioned, but flawed concepts. Our marriage, just one year shy of a decade, experienced illnesses that rattled our faith, emotional pain that rammed us to our knees, and losses that ransacked our haven. Our marriage is not fair, but its beauty cannot be denied.

Arms open to embrace one in need of forgiveness…beautiful. Fingers entwined as a new life swallows her first gulps of air…beautiful. Tears cried for the one who aches…beautiful. Hands steadying the one whose body is ravaged my pain…beautiful. Laughter echoing throughout corridors…beautiful. Feet that stumble as they walk a rugged path, but also glide as they dance…beautiful. Lips that touch softly as evidence to both passion and commitment...beautiful.

Love. Unbridled, agape love, a love that is taught by its Creator, is not fair. I don’t think it was designed to be fair. But its glorious beauty cannot be denied.

Happy anniversary my Professor. Thank you for choosing to love this flawed, undeserving woman. Your face is handsome, but your heart is beautiful.

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. I Corinthians 13:4-7 (New American Standard Bible).

Not That Wife

(This post was published on March 19, 2008, so the mentioned events are not recent. Still, this has always been one of my favorite posts even though my weaknesses are accented greatly.)

Earlier this week, during a phone conversation with my soul sister Jaime, I giddily recounted several falling in love with The Professor stories. The backdrop for the tales was painted more than nine years ago. Colors representing excitement, adventure, love, passion, yearning, searching, and expectation splattered the canvass of our love story adding texture to the abstract illustration.

While enrolled in premarital counseling class a pastor shared a story about a young couple struck by tragedy only weeks after their “I do’s” were spoken. A car accident rendered the husband paralyzed from waist to toe. The resolve of the young wife to honor and love the man she married never wavered. She nurtured him without complaint and worked both inside and outside their home. The pastor smiled as he announced that the couple would soon be celebrating 35 years of marriage and that the husband tirelessly bestowed praise on the wife of his youth who was a living example of platinum strength agape love. After hearing that touching tribute I thought “I will be that wife.”

Fast-forward nine years. I am not that wife. Boy those are tough words to type.

Tears swamped my jaded eyes only 12 hours after Jaime and I talked. My tears were not watery symbols of anger or displeasure with The Professor. Instead they were tears of self disappointment and failure. Three weeks ago the professor underwent extensive back surgery. The healing process crawls forward at a leisurely pace and although physical nerves are repaired emotional ones are, at best, frayed. I’m not that wife.

My exhaustion gets the best of me and ignoring James 5:9 I sometimes grumble. Sometimes I search for accolades. Sometimes I pout. And to make it worse my grumbling, pouting, and self-praise digging are not kept private. I flaunt them in front of The Professor, because I’m not that wife.

I’ve been a resident in my own “Perfectionists Anonymous” rehab center long enough to know that this thought process can be the first falling domino in a long line of self destructive behavior. Lamenting that I am not that wife, who by the way happens to be a women whom I have never met, hinders me from being the wife that God intends me to be to my husband.

I’m blessed that a forgiving heart beats in the chest of my Professor because I’m not perfect. Nor will I be. I’m the wife who makes mistakes that surpass burning toast and losing car keys. I’m the wife who gets angry, tired, and lonely.

I am also the wife who learns, albeit slowly, from her mistakes. I am the wife with a repentant heart. A heart that yearns to love as Christ loves and to forgive as Christ forgave. I am the wife who knows that her marriage is worth fighting for even if it means pummeling her own selfishness. I am the wife who is humbled so that her Father can be glorified. I am the wife who keeps trying, the wife who is driven to her knees beseeching assistance from the Perfect One. I am the wife who knows that only Christ can give her that platinum strength agape love she desires to give to the man who taught her that love is a choice.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-14, NIV.