Friday, October 10, 2008

Evil Twin

(While these words are my own and result from personal events that occurred on October 9, 2008, I feel compelled to add that I recently read chapter three of Joann Weaver’s “Having a Mary Spirit” and was inspired by many concepts she presented. And once again, I'm not sure what is up with the formatting...perhaps Blogger has an evil twin too)


When I was a little girl, my mom and grandmother watched soap operas. I remember watching along with them as I sat in the living room and played with my “Little People” play sets. Once, a heroine went missing, was presumed dead, and then came home just days later. At first, her family rejoiced over her miraculous return, but as time went on they discovered she was different.


Months later the secret behind her mysterious behavior was revealed. The heroine had never returned. She was being held prisoner in an old farm house while her long lost twin sister assumed her identity. (Insert dramatic music here). The. Evil. Twin. The sibling who everyone forgot existed stole her beloved sister’s persona and began to live her life.


Often, I feel as though I have an evil twin. Only she doesn’t live in another town, she lives inside my body. I’m not writing about demonic possession, merely about the battle of good and evil

that rages in us all. Sometimes I feel as if there are two of me…one who is charming and pleasant, and another who is down right spiteful.


The “good me,” the part of me who I want to refer to as the real me, does her best to keep the evil twin at bay. She tries, but truth be known, she’s terribly weak. And that evil twin, well she’s quite crafty.

Yesterday morning it was as if this evil twin of mine bonked me over the head, drug me into a basement and then took over my life. She barked at my sweet children and criticized Pumpkindoodle for not walking fast enough. She even growled at Pickle when he whined for his morning cup of milk.


The entire morning was spent finding fault with others. Angry at life, everyone alive was deemed guilty by association. Through clenched teeth she bellowed that the day was going to be dedicated to cleaning and organization. It was made clear that anyone who didn’t agree with what she had in mind better get out of the way and remain silent. She was not in the mood for protests. I shuddered and averted my eyes as I heard her mutter that she was not even in the mood to be a mother.


Deep breath. I wish, oh how I wish I really was chained up in a basement watching the events of that day play before my eyes on a TV monitor. How I wish that I could write that it wasn’t really me, that it truly was an evil twin and that I had no say in the matter. To watch someone else hurt my loved ones would be horrifying. Realizing that it is I who am responsible for the pain-filled eyes that return my icy stares…that is devastation.


While still in evil twin mode, I decided that baking a cake would bring back peace to my conflicted home. And if not, well at least it would make me feel better. I went to the dollar store and as the clerk rang up the price of the mix and frosting, she mentioned her love for cake. Then I heard a familiar sound—the voice of the “good me.” All traces of the sarcasm laced dialect that I spoke with earlier that morning disappeared. It was my voice that sincerely asked, “How long will you be working today? I’ll bring you a slice.”


I left the store promising to return with a piece of cake. The woman was delighted. I fought back tears as I headed to my car and gently kissed each of my children as I strapped them into their safety seats.


It was as if God reminded me that although there is a hideously depraved woman living inside my shell, she’s not in there alone. Jesus also lives within me. In fact, there really isn’t a “good” me. The only good that comes from this body of mine are the pieces of me that I’ve submitted to Christ. He is far more powerful than any brand of evil. And He will be victorious in refining me…evicting that deranged double of mine for once and for all. Dear Lord, how I wish that day would soon come.

Romans 7:14-27 (New Living Translation)

14 So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. 15 I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. 16 But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. 17 So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

18 And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. 19 I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. 20 But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

21 I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22 I love God’s law with all my heart. 23 But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24 Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 25 Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

Above verse was copied and pasted from Bible Gateway.





37 comments:

MoziEsmé said...

I hate that internal conflict! I think I have triplets - the one who wants to bum around all day and do all the wrong things, the one who makes me feel incredibly guilty for doing the wrong things, and then the rational one who knows Christ has taken care of it all! Strange how evil has multiple forms :)

Good post.

Homesteader in Training said...

I can relate my friend. Oh how I hate those days when the "bad" twin prevails within. I usually end up apologizing to my kids as well.
Thank you for sharing your heart.
Blessings to you today.
Kim

Myra said...

I really needed to read this today! I understand exactly where you're coming from. Thanks for sharing.
myra
wemakethree.com

Kimberly said...

"It was as if God reminded me that although there is a hideously depraved woman living inside my shell, she’s not in there alone. Jesus also lives within me."

I cannot tell you how much I needed this reminder this morning. I needed to be reminded that Jesus is in me, too, and He is way more powerful than my evil twin. That and He knew I had an evil twin and yet still gave His very life for me.

Thank you. Thank you.

Classic MaMa said...

:) You are not the only one...

Cindy said...

I think most of us have days like that but it is wonderful to hear that you were able to turn it around with God's prompting and be a blessing to someone else and your little darlings.

Kimberly said...

Okay...I promise I am not going to drive you TOO crazy today. :) I just loved this post so much and needed it so tremendously this morning. I put a link to this post in my post that I had typed last night. Thank you, again, for being a voice of such encouragment.

Blessings!
Kimberly

Amy said...

As I was reading your words, I could have sworn that you were talking about me. My evil twin has had me locked in the basement all week while she acts like a crazy woman all over my house.;)

It hurts so much to know that we hurt the ones we love, the ones that love us. Thank God for the sweet gift of forgiveness.

I feel your pain. Thank you for humbly sharing your heart. You are definitely not alone.

God Bless,
Amy (the good twin) ;)

Wendi @ Every Day Miracles said...

I cried yesterday because I yelled at me boys. Not just a little verbal discipline. After the 8th hour of constant mommying and some very disagreeable moods by all of us I kind of snapped and pretty much turned quite evil.
First of all, knowing I am not the only one helps tremendously. Knowing that we are in this fight together encourages me to strive further to live my life nurturing the fruit of the spirirt rather than the flesh.
Reading this nudges me towards perhaps posting a pianfully honest post about some of these struggles. I think it would be really ahrd though. :)
Bless you!

Krystal said...

I've been a lurker for a long time now, but I had to say thanks for making me feel like I am not alone!

May God Bless you today!
Krystal in TX

Anne Elizabeth said...

Great post! I can relate all to well to this!

Mocha with Linda said...

I think we all can relate to this. Have you been in my mirror lately?!

Christy said...

I think every SAHM goes through some version of this regularly and every parent more often than we care to remember. No one is perfect; all we can do is try our best, love our children with everything we have, and learn from our mistakes. And as Moms we can encourage each other, as we are through this post, to trust that God will give us the grace and strength we need as He has promised. Angela, you write about a difficult subject with eloquence. We all know you're an excellent Mommy! Don't doubt it for a second!

Tales From the Eurovan said...

I am so glad God's grace is greater than all our sins. Thanks for your honesty in writing about struggles every woman faces! God is good and I am thankful for you!

Take care,
Julie

Genny said...

Angela,
I love your analogies. This was great. And I love that you offered to bring her back a slice of cake!

Julie said...

Ah, friend, you are seeing the Old Man/Old Identity...the flesh correlating with the New Man/New Identity, the Spirit....

What I have come to understand is that my old, sinful actions are not who I am, they are who I have learned to be... The more I tap into who Christ says I am, the more that old evil twin disappears.

I used to beat myself up for my sin until I heard God say, "that's not you.".... "it's not your true identity." "It's your reactions to unhealed places, it's your learned behavior...but it's not your identity."
"You are not defined by what you do you are defined by who you are to me."

He has been teaching me, healing me and taking me into unlearning the old ways and moving into the new. It's been an amazing time...

Thank you for sharing your heart and day. I think Papa God gave you a picture of living in the Spirit, the new creation in Christ, vs. living in the flesh...the old dead man that's been crucified with Christ....

Hugs & Love,
Julie

On Purpose said...

This post speaks to me about being aware of who I am in Christ. Who He created me to be. That I have to stay focused on that and believe it even when I am not feeling it!

You encouraged me to share a slice of cake with those around me when all I want to do is sit in the closet and eat it all myself!

Ruby Red Slippers said...

Do you know I just read that today?? I prayed that God would help me in the areas I need-what a confirmation to see it here!

Andrea said...

I know my evil twin too well. And unfortunately she has reared her ugly head a bit too much this week! Isn't it wonderful that our God is so willing and quick to forgive us? And so are our kids, too. Don't forget that!

Jenn said...

That post described me perfectly yesterday. Oh what an awful day it was. I am ashamed of my behaviour. Your honesty is so refreshing.

Tracy said...

Where you in my house today? My evil twin was definitely ruling the house. ugh. I'm hoping to blame this on PMS - but I know God doesn't really want any excuse - just me. ugh. you're preaching to the choir woman!!!
thanks

Tammy said...

I have been reading your blog for a little while now. And I come away always feeling encouraged and reminded that I am not alone. What I feel and go through is shared by more than just me. Thank you for this post today. I really needed to read it.

stefanie said...

Well said!

Mrs. Sidney said...

Interesting.. I started a blog yesterday about submission... I am hoping to get it done today... that is if work doesn't get as crazy as it was last night :).. I am trying to stay possitive!!

Amy L Brooke said...

Thanks for the visit and the thoughts here. You have quite a way with words.

Denise said...

a few years ago my "evil twin" did most of the living (if you call it living).
sometime after i began studying a book "Loving God With All Your Mind."
God showed me that this was an area that needed healing, that needed to be devoted to him. i think it will always be a struggle, the old lies seem to creep up, BUT what freedom i have found in the TRUTH! the ol' evil twin she shows up for moments here and there, but she does not live here any more! PRAISE GOD!

and what on earth were our parents thinking letting children watch soaps?! i remember when luke and laura got married (g.h.) i was a second grader.

LauraLee Shaw said...

Who can't relate to this? Your deep, authentic testimony causes others to dig deeper into their own hearts. What a beautiful gift you have...

Alana said...

Oh yeah. There's an evil twin in all of us. Great post!

Earthmommy said...

I too have an evil twin and the two of us have really been in conflict lately today. Thank you for having the courage to write honestly about this internal conflict. I feel like it's something we all go through at least from time to time and the more we bring it into the light the less power Satan can have over us in this way.

Gretchen said...

Angela, how i love your heart--and relate greatly. i think evil twins can often be brought on by stress, too. Haven't you had just a little of that lately in moving and getting settled? I know this isn't an excuse, but I hope that you and I both can remember to be as gentle to ourselves as we'd like to be to our children...and as He is to us. (((hugs)))

Joy said...

Wow. I feel like I could've written all that stuff about the evil twin because that's EXACTLY who took over me today. I try not to spank but Elaina got a good swat and I felt terrible about it. I don't want my children to fear me. I want them to trust me and that doesn't build trust.

I was growling, cold, impersonal today. But tomorrow is a new day and I have a renewed interest to be better!

Darlene said...

I love this post. It is so true. And I also love that verse... unfortunately I know it too well. My evil twin is not a pretty site. Sigh. It causes my soul such pain, to think that the ones I love most dearly, know my evil twin the best.

The encouragement of this post comes in knowing that we are not alone, and we are not without Hope. There will be a day when we no longer battle our worse half. Praise to Him.

Darlene
PS Thank you for your super sweet comment! Your nice twin is awefully nice...

Carol said...

Wow! As I read the words you wrote, I felt as though it could have been me that wrote them. My evil twin appears more often than I would like to admit.

I am encouraged to know I am not alone, and also to be reminded that I have Christ in me who is the Victor. Thank you for your honesty.

Jaime Kesler Photography said...

So powerful! What a perfect scripture you chose to reinforce what you wrote! Thank you for this post. I loved it!!! My "evil twin" has been rearing her ugly, frazzled head lately with all this move stuff. This was a good reminder for me. Thank you again!

Love you,
Jaime

Denise said...

Thanks for being so open, be blessed dear.

Becca said...

Today was a day like that. I wasn't the mother I wanted to be. It was good to read this and how it ended. My day ended with prayers before bedtime and goodnight kisses!

Peggy said...

Blessings Angela...This was so excellent & such an aMazing way to depict the battle within that gets out! And then the connection to Romans was GREAT! I am always blessed when I come to visit & read how creatively you write & share your life truthfully as you are BECOMING ME(which is you either the good or evil) I pray that more of that good one is seen by your family! Thank you! I'm still trying to catch up from last week's comments and so appreciate your visit, prayer & encouraging comment! Thanks again!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...