Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Derailed and Weary

Today it’s difficult for me to write. Hard lumps of air remain painfully lodged in my throat. Silky tears leak from my eyes and slide down my cheeks…a few drip on my wrists and key board. Yet, I feel I must write…I must for some reason record my pain.


I’m suppose to write the rest of my love goals mentioned in the post below, but I have already failed with the first set of five. I know God does not make mistakes, yet I flip through pages of memories stored in the archives of my mind that reveal my mistakes and I beg to understand why He gave me the blessing of a husband and children I do not deserve. I know I must rest my hope in His Sovereignty…but still…I hurt.


I’m not just writing about mistakes made months and years ago, but the ones made minutes ago. If I were working a 9-5 job and today was my annual performance evaluation, I’d be packing my office belongings into a cardboard box and leaving without any positive references…blacklisted…labeled as being of no good use to the profession.


When The Professor left for work a look of defeat shadowed his face. Clutter is everywhere. If I could neatly stack our dirty laundry if would extend floor to ceiling. Dirty dishes align the sticky kitchen counter tops. My bed is unmade and I desperately yearn to crawl back into it and hide under my covers.


I’m repeatedly told that these are they days I will beg to return…that I’ll one day want my children to be small again…and that I should cherish these moments. To be brutally honest…that’s a bit much for me to swallow right now. Today is a day of demands, frustrations, meltdowns and failures. Yes, I know that one day when they are grown I’ll long for them to be little again…to hold them close and to once again gaze into their soft eyes…but reliving this day and moments like it?


Honestly, can anyone who has made it through the fires of mothering tell me that they welcome back a day of temper tantrums and ungrateful responses? I just cannot imagine that. And the fact that I sometimes wish these moments away make the tears flow harder, because I know I'm selfish.


So please forgive me for not being uplifting today and for not completing my goals. I am not giving up and will write them today or tomorrow and I will stick with this exercise. I know that the war raging within has already been won for me, but I am weary of this particular battle. I am weary of me.


Excuse me as I lay down my broken soul at the feet of Jesus and cry out for His healing. I ache, but not without hope, because I know He will answer.


Psalm 119:27-29 (New Living Translation)

Help me understand the meaning of your commandments, and I will meditate on your wonderful deeds. I weep with sorrow; encourage me by your word. Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing your instructions





53 comments:

Denise said...

Sweetie, I am very sorry that you are hurting. Thanks for sharing your true self. God loves you just as you are. We all fall down, but our Father will gently lift us up again. Life can be really tough, but our Father is even tougher. You hang in there, God loves you my friend.

Rachel said...

You know what? You are totally not alone in these feelings! Don't let anyone (human or the devil!) make you feel guilty. Guilt is not of God, and Jesus is glorified through this because you have taken it to Him. It's OK to be sad and a little overwhelmed. It's one of the reasons I like Psalms so much - there are many Psalms that start with David "whining" (for lack of a better word) about his situation in life but he always brings it back to the Lord, and it's a wonderful example to us now - and it's an example that you followed today.

I feel the same way when our house is a wreck (which it often is) and I'm worried my hubby is getting really disappointed in me. But those days happen. There are some days where the kids scream every single second of the day and you just have to do your best, because that's all you can do. If everything doesn't get done, well, there's always tomorrow (and hopefully another day where the kids don't scream all day). :) Your first priority during the day is to your children, to raise them and love them and shower them with examples of Jesus. I believe the crown for raising up godly children is a little bigger than the crown for "never has a dirty dish in the sink."

And please don't let this make you feel bad about your emotions today, because even if your children see them, He is made strong in your weakness, and He is glorified. I'll be praying for you, sister, because I know it's a tough road to walk some days.

Krystal said...

I just want you to know you are not alone. I too have those days and then feel so horrible with how I responded to my sweet children. Or how frustrated I get when my home is not picked up and take it out on my family. I will pray for you and please pray for me as I too struggle with this! Thank you so being so honest!

Krystal

Kimberly said...

Heavenly Father,

Right now my heart aches for Angela. It aches for her because I have had so many days like that myself. I look around me, and all I feel is disappointment. I look at my precious but screaming and bickering children, and I just want to run.

Oh, Lord, I thank You so MUCH that You are NOT disappointed in Angela. You know her heart. You saw her post before she ever even wrote it yesterday. You know her heart to be the best mom she can be. But I pray that today you release her from the tyrant of perfection. And I pray that You protect her from the lies of the enemy. He saw her post, too. And he wants her derailed and weary.

Be her strength today. Be her joy. Be her hope. Be so real to her right at this moment. And, Lord, help her to hear Your voice above ALL others...that's even her own.

I love You and thank You that You are worthy to be trusted with my sweet friend.
Amen.

I am praying for you! He's holding you tight and He won't let you go!

Mocha with Linda said...

You are so not the only one to walk this road. This too shall pass. When we are weak then He is strong.

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 42:5

Misty said...

compared to the others i have nothing to say.... i feel like you wrote so so often. i'm proud of you for continuing the exercises.. i'd have given up BECAUSE i had a day like you're having. i do hope it ends like your other post.. the one w/ the cake...

Andrea said...

Sweetie, I think it's safe to say we've ALL been here! I was just there on Saturday! Hang in there - you're doing the right thing, clinging to Jesus. I'm so proud of you! (And so is He!)

a Tonggu Momma said...

"...those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:30b-31

We all have these days (some of us - me - more than others). The most important thing is to cling to God's truth and love and - most importantly - His grace.

Casey said...

My day was like this today too. Hiding underneath the covers would have been a welcome sanctuary. As I read your words I was so comforted by your honesty. Thank you for sharing.

Irritable Mother said...

Oh Angela,
You KNOW I've been there!
And, no, I don't think we'll really< wish for these days back. The sweet, precious moments with our children - yes. But not the days!
The thing is, in the middle of the frustration and the struggle, God is still good. He is still loving you, even though you're feeling like a failure. This is what I'm learning - When I take my focus off my situation and place it on God, everything changes. The kids may still be loud, the house may still be cluttered, the counter may still be sticky. But when I remember that God is still good, the struggles diminish in importance.
Keep clinging to Him, my friend. He will never let you down.

Jenn said...

Oh how I wish I could give you a big hug right now!
Your day describes so many of mine. Your tears are mine. Your heartache is mine. The feelings of guilt, mine. The days of mommyhood can be filled with strife and it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes.
Your honesty is so refreshing. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I am bowing my head in prayer for you.

A Bite of Country Cupcakes said...

Oh yes we can all empathise as we all feel angst and guilt ridden at times..
Do it in his strength not yours and tomorrow hopefully you will wake to a brighter blue and sunnier sky...
Take Care you are not alone

Gretchen said...

Kimberly's prayer is mine, and I'll continue to lift you up, friend. Thank you for sharing your heart so that we can minister to you--it's you who minister to us so much of the time. Despite your schedule. Despite that life is just plain hard at times and harder at still other times.

I have struggled with anxiety and depression, so I may not know your particular road, but I've walked one of my own. You are doing so right to be bathed in the love of the Father.

Before looking at the house, if there's one thing you can do to love on and respect yourself, I fully suggest you do it. Can you take a warm shower? A hot bath? Can you listen to some soft music while you ______________? Not advising anything except being kind to yourself. Love, if we can't be kind to ourselves, it's awfully hard to pour forth kindness to others.

Hang in there.

Gretchen said...

My verse of hope most recently is 2Sam22:31-33.

Jennifer said...

You are NOT alone! We ALL have days like this...We are blessed to have a forgiving God who knows our heart. I have said a prayer for you and hope that your tommorow is better!
Blessings,
Jennifer

Heather of the EO said...

Thank You God for other mothers who are this honest on their blogs!!!

Oh wait, excuse me. That was just me praying...

Let me be honest here. Sometimes blogs like yours intimidate me a bit. I mean, I haven't dug through the archives and I know you have NOT had an easy road, but you seem to positive and faithful and...GOOD.

I try to be those things and mostly fail and continue to learn that God may be okay with that. Because I have no choice but to rely on Him. But I then compare myself to people I don't even really know and wonder if they have the same struggles with THEMSELVES that I do.

So thank you for your honesty. It brings encouragement even if it feels funny to be so vulnerable (especially on the internet).

I hope that you feel uplifted and renewed. If not today, go easy on yourself and forgive yourself. You have that hope for tomorrow being a new start and your last sentence, your statement of faith in this post is inspiring!

Even if we tend to cover ourselves up with a bunch of YUCKY, we are always STILL lovely, because we cannot shake His image. His grace is so amazing, eh?

Peace to you,
Heather

Heather of the EO said...

oops. That should be "you seem SO positive and faithful" NOT "you seem to positive and faithful"

I should really read stuff before I publish it!

Bovee Brigade said...

Hi!
Great blog! You're honesty is wonderful. I'm sure the Father looks down and smiles at one who is not willing to hide true feelings that we all face sometime in our lives. I wanted to send you to my most recent post. Maybe a mother you know could use something like this....it's about celebrating motherhood. Check it out and let me know what you think. Or an ideas you might have would be welcomed! Thanks! Here it is:
www.blessings-fromourhometoyours.blogspot.com

Dionna said...

We all have those days. They stink. But honestly, take it from someone who has an almost 12 year old and a 9 year old - you forget the days they threw tantrums and the tiredness of it all. You just see how quickly they grew.
Hang in there.

elizabeth embracing life said...

Hugs to you from a mommy who has been there done that a thousand times over. It's funny that we cry when they are young and tears spill much more when they are older. I watch my olders one walk with Christ and I am so overwhelmed that God has cared for them, better than I ever could have. My mothering did not ruin them and thus the tears of joy that I could someday find blessing in the long haul. Even with many days of feeling weary, and in deep into raising kids God always sustained my heart and kept me waking up each morning to start over. Be blessed by an Almighty God who knew you could good things with His gift of a husband a children. Again a hug in your direction.

MaryBeth said...

I just want to reiterate that you are not alone in these feelings.... you just deal with them in a much better way than I do most of the time. Hugs to you!

Wendi @ Every Day Miracles said...

Oh how I can relate. My disheartening weekend was written about a very short time ago. You apologize for not being particularly uplifting today, but I am actually uplifted just knowing you are human like me, and I am - maybe - okay for having days like these.:)
I am certainly not uplifted by your pain and I do pray that you are feeling refreshed soon.
I truly love you and admire your honesty.

Shauna said...

Hey there,

Isn't it nice to have a forum to be brutally honest about it all. Being a mother/wife...woman...can be so tough some days. And I hope you have been comforted by other women who have been and are in your shoes. I am one of those women. Love you - keeping you in my prayers!

Darla~SassyHomemaker said...

Oh honey, you are NOT measured by your laundry or dishes.

Ya know, every time we move I go through depression to a degree. Do you by chance think that might be happening to you? You've had a lot of changes in the past couple of months.

I think about you all the time - in a completely and totally stalkerish kind of way of course ;) :P

Brenda Susan said...

I remember those feelings when my sons were small, & I wondered why no one talked about the totally sucky days of motherhood. They are very real, normal & also surrounded by the sweet moments that YOU are so talented at recording.
My guys are now 22 yrs & 26 yrs & I will tell you that it gets better & better & I do not want to go back in time. (Well, maybe a few cuddely momments would be fun!)

Julie said...

You are absolutely beautiful in your transparency!

Yes, I have had days like that and still do, but it is now with teenagers and a preteen. I was about to knock two heads together today. I was so weary of the attitudes...

You are not alone.

We stand here alongside you, understanding you knowing that your Papa God loves you so, even as you love your children in the midst of their selfish ways.

You are not a disappointment. Just felt led to tell you that!
Hugs to you,
Julie

IA. said...

I admire you for feeling so down and still knowing that you need strength from Above. In my downtimes, I hardly want to pray, feeling so guilty for what I feel, so unworthy to approach God. You are so right, it's hard to look beyond the tantrums, the yellings, the messy house, etc. But it does pass. They all pass. From that I take comfort.

BP said...

Thank you for sharing your true heart. From looking over the previous comments, it seems we've all had days like the one you described. It is good to know God is with us through it all, even on those tough days when nothing seems to go right.

I have a poem I got ready today and have it set to publish in the a.m. You may have seen it but it is a good one to reread.
God bless you!

Amy-littletoesandcheerios said...

Girl, you are not alone. I go through the same thing day after day with Madi. And although I would not trade these days with her for anything in the world, it's hard in the moment. My house is a wreck, I have not had a shower, the tantrums truly test my patience and I can never get a good dinner cooked for Andy. The older generation lied and withheld the fact that raising children is a lot harder than we think. They were just hush, hush about it like everything else they kept a secret making us feel like failures when we can't do the impossible. We'll get through it, and I'm praying for you.

Megan said...

Angela,
Great, transparent post!
I'm sorry you are having a rough time.... remember, your thyroid is not up to par, so a lot of your challenges I'm sure are related to that.
Try to be patient with your weary self, take things one at a time, and better days will come!
You are in my prayers,
Megan

Jennifer said...

Oh my goodness...we have all been there...in the middle of all the clutter, chaos, screaming, fighting, defiance and longing for an escape back to sanity! I lived those days for 18 years with my oldest son.

In the moment, you just want to escape and after the fact...comes the guilt. I said things to my son that I can never take back in the midst of those times. I even told him numerous times that I couldn't wait for him to grow up, graduate and leave home. Out of the moment, I loved my son so much but the pressure and stress took over all too often. I have so many regrets and I know, I'm not alone. Children don't come with an owner's manual and I messed up so many times. But, God is a merciful God who forgives us when we fail and make a mess out of stuff...He comes in and cleans it up when we ask him to. He picks us up, brushes off the dirt and sets our feet back on the right path...takes our hand and leads us on.

Today, I type this with a heavy heart and tears streaming down my face also. I would give anything to have those days back...yes, chaos and all. My son has gone astray and I have gone months and months...not knowing where he is, if he is dead or alive, healthy, injured or even in jail. I almost lost him in March in a horrible car wreck. He has forgiven me and I have forgiven him for all the mess in our past but I wish I could go back and do things over again.

On the other hand, my baby is 14 years old and yes, we have had a few moments during these teenage years but nothing like his brother. My heart is so heavy on a daily basis because time is flying by and my nest will be empty in 3 1/2 very short years.

Make the best of each day, don't beat yourself up, ask God for forgiveness for your mistakes, apologize to your family and walk guilt free. The good will outweigh the bad. They will be gone before you know it...trust me.

You are in my prayers dear one. Go back and read my blog...parenting is hard! You will have battle scars but you will win the war and be victorious through Jesus Christ.

Sorry...didn't mean to write a book :)

momstheword said...

My kids are now 15 & 19 and yet I still remember the days when I felt like you're feeling now. I felt guilt, regret, and that I was a "bad" mom and would ruin my children. When they were little my husband used to refer to 4:00 p.m. as "the crying hour" because he'd come home from work and the kids would be crying and I'd be crying or yelling....Welcome home, daddy!

So many times I would run to my prayer closet (the bathroom!) and pray in tears. Begging God to help me do a better job and be the "perfect" wife and mom I wanted to be. Funny how we expect perfection of ourselves when He doesn't. He just wants US! Just hold onto Him.

God is so faithful and you will get thru this. You are not going to ruin your kids, they won't remember the mess. They will remember the precious times you've spent with them, the laughter and the love.

As I said, mine are older, and they make me laugh and I love to be around them....so hang in there, you will come out the other side soon. Right now you're "in the trenches" and fortunately, you have plenty of encouragement from other moms who are "in the trenches" with you!

Julie Evans said...

How cool to see you lay yourself out there like that, and then to see Jesus wrapping his arms around you in the many arms and kind words of his body! That is way more snuggly than climbing back under the covers. Although there is nothing wrong with climbing back under the covers. He holds you there, too. Blessings.

Dakota's Mom said...

Angela, I've had many days like you describe recently. You are not alone in feelings and spirit. I have a two year old who is very cute when she's cute, but she's not, I threaten to ship her UPS to her Grandmother in Michigan. Take time to remember you. Take time to remember whatever feelings you have, you are loved and accepted with open arms. I'll be praying for you.

Shannon said...

I am in tears over this. Not because I judge you but because I so completely understand you. Being a mother is the hardest job on earth. I know it is cliche to say that but it is the truth. It is the most trying, frustrating, thankless job but it is the MOST important and most rewarding. How can one job description be such a dichotomy.

Give yourself a hug from me and know that you are not alone. We all feel this way...we all struggle to be the best we can be and crumble with our short-comings. You are not alone.

Mrs. Sidney said...

You will be rewarded for this;your hope will not be disappointed.
Proverbs 23:18 NLT

sister sheri said...

Galatians 5:22 NLT "But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love..." Dear sister... depend on His Spirit within you to bear the fruit... on our own, we can't.

Mrs. Forever said...

I tagged you!

Joy said...

We're all there with you. I yell at my little girls and get so incredibly angry and frustrated with them, too. Irrationally so most times. I don't inflict them with physical wounds and maybe not even verbal ones either. But the fear in their eyes when Mommy is mad is enough to make me immediately repent and try to be better.

It's a daily battle. I know you're tired because I'm tired, too. The only thing that reminds me of cherishing these moments is the day my mom called, just a couple months before she died. She was bawling and kept saying, "I just want you and Matty [younger bro] to be little again!" over and over.

My mom also yelled and got angry. She had other issues, too, not to mention eventually getting cancer and being in pain and sick all the time.

Sorry to be so depressing but I wanted you to hear what my mom said. The regret in her voice for not having done better (in her eyes- I don't feel I was neglected), for wanting a do-over, to try again and do things differently--- that will stick with me and hopefully make me a better parent for it!

Earthmommy said...

Don't feel so guilty. I have teens and a toddler and I can tell you with all honesty that while I do sometimes long for the days when my older girls were little, I wouldn't want to go back to that time. I worked full-time then, our home nearly always looked like you described here, and I almost always felt like a failure in some way or the other.

Now with my youngest I am blessed to be home and walking with the Lord. We all have times like this. We ALL fall short. And you have acted in faith by bringing your burdens to the Lord. He will work his glorious healing and grace in you and through you.

You are abviously a wonderful person, wife and mother. What's deep in your heart that matters and its obviously that the Lord lives there and love abides there.

Big hugs to you, and some uplifting prayers are coming your way.

Cindy said...

Sweet friend,

The fires of motherhood are never over ~ they just continue with different expectations and trials.

But have hope because the JOYS of motherhood are never over either. No matter how old your children are (or even if you've lost them) you continue to have a joy deep within you that holds precious.

You are doing well as a wife and mom, just remember that relationships are far more important than a few dirty dishes or unclean laundry. I don't like clutter either nor does my hubby so we learned how to make cleaning a game with our kids and got to spend time with them while doing chores. It helped when they were young.

I will be praying for you my friend.

Bless you, Cindy

Amy~Saved by Grace said...

oh you are so not alone. There are days I just want to quit at the mom and wife job, because quite frankly it is just too darn Hard! But I gather the strength left in me and get it done. I have been wondering why God can be moving and working wonders in some areas of my life but others like parenting and marriage I sometimes feel as though I am drowning. He is so gracious to give a push to get through it though.

Steph said...

Been there....recently. It always makes me feel better to know that other mommies out there are feeling the same things as me. I totally feel you.
Chin up, every day is new.
Loves...
xo

Amy @ Park City Girl said...

You are not alone - I pray that you find peace in the midst of the chaos that surrounds you. One day at a time is my mantra. I just posted about it yesterday :)

Tales From the Eurovan said...

Angela,
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Notice the Bible doesn't say we are perfect but forgiven. We are all in the process of becoming like our Maker. In the process. You are a beautiful mother, wife, daughter, friend. You were woven and spun by the king of the universe. You are loved.
Take care,
Julie

runningtherace said...

I am so sorry you are having this hard day. You just described in perfect detail the week I have been having. It is overwhelming. I know this is not one of your "encouraging" posts, but being reminded that the battle has ultimately already been won for me is very uplifting for me. Thank you!

Patricia said...

Well, thankfully, you get a new chance every day to do dishes, laundry...etc.

My little ones are grown now...one has her own little one...who manages to leave evidence of his having been here from one end of my house to the other after he goes home in the evening.

I wish I had your heart when mine were small. I might not have those twinges of regret to make up for.

Guess what? Those kids love me for me not my housekeeping skills (trained right--still in rebellion against waaaaay too strict parental tidiness *wink*), but because I love them and stopped and played on the floor sometimes. Wish it had been more often.

P.S. I get that look from Mr. Amazing when he comes home from a long day on the mail route to a messy kitchen. And I've been at it for almost 27 years.

I hope your week just gets better and your heart lifts.

Happy Thursday!

BC said...

Thanks for your openness. Most would cover it up with smiles and happy talk as if nothing was raging on the inside. As a worship leader, I find myself doing that very thing way too often...people don't want to see the negatives, my negatives...they want to be uplifted. I wrote a post on my blog about this a few days ago...http://worshipguy.wordpress.com/2008/10/12/another-sunday-for-the-books/ Hope it helps someone, somewhere. God bless you as you seek to serve Him...even in your weariness.

Tiffany Stuart said...

God is close to the brokenhearted.

God loves you no matter what.

Hugs,
Tiffany

Alana said...

I think every mother has been in this place. Sometimes we camp there for quite awhile. I know I have. You are in such a tough stage right now with your little ones and you just moved...you have a lot going on. Cut yourself some slack and take it to God. I'm praying refreshment for you!

Angie said...

My comment will sound just like all the others... but here goes!

I loved this post. I love your transparency and words that reveal the raw hurt you feel. But I do NOT love that you feel this way, please understand that! I've been there way too many times myself. Some days seem so dark and long, and I cannot even fathom missing these days. And like you, coming to grips with my real feelings and selfishness makes it that much worse. Sometimes I just get so sick of myself.

I'm thankful for you, your blog, and all of the wonderful comments! Tomorrow is a new day, as is the day after that. His mercies are new EVERY morning!

An older mom at my church once told me something that has stuck with me regarding these years with young kids: "The days are long but the years are short." I loved her for acknowledging that some days are harder than I ever dreamed, but that there will be a day that they are no more.

We're all in this together, Angela. Thanks for forging this road alongside the rest of us!

Pam said...

I believe that giving ourselves permission and expressing our bad day is so freeing... the truth truly does set you free... i hope things are going better for you... no, I pray things are going better for you... and trust that they are... did you read my post this week called, "what we can do"? I think you would appreciate it.

Blessings on you....

Angie said...

Angela...as I read this--I understood. The feelings from this spot...are felt by many. You are forgiven for being HUMAN. That's us after all. Remember?

I remember MANY times the crumpled feeling. Yet, after a short "wallow in the pit" I put a foot in the bottom rung of the ladder He has graciously extended and begin my climb out.

Your honesty and open heart is what we all need. We spent a weekend at our Sisters of Faith retreat sharing just such stuff. The stuff life is made of. Tears ran and splashed. Snot too. That's just life. We had 3 pastors wives among the rest of us...and all are the same. Daughters of the KING.

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