Today, I'm just going to talk to you. I'm not going to get out my thesaurus, I'm not going to spend hours searching for the best adjectives, alliteration and phrasing....I'm just going to type with my fingers the words that are circulating in my mind almost in the fashion of a face-to-face conversation, albeit a one-sided conversation.
When I started Becoming Me about 18-months-ago I implemented a few self-imposed rules.
Rule # 1 - It would consist mostly of devotional posts
Rule #2 - Only serious and well written material would be published
Rule #3 - Each post, even the non devotional ones would include a Scripture verse.
Rule #4 - I would not obsess about growing my readership
Rule #5 - My posts would showcase my imperfections and be honest, sometimes even raw, so that whoever stopped by to read would know that through Christ there is hope for all human weaknesses and struggles.
Rule #6 - I would personally respond to every comment left on my blog
Rule #7 - I would update my blog regularly as well as visit and comment on other blogs often.
There were other rules too. Some I kept, some I modified, and others I threw out. But when began this journey I felt that I needed hard and fast guidelines. I tend to live my life that way. I like rules, they make me feel safe. And I like to follow rules, because doing so makes me feel as if I'm a good person and pleasing to others. If there was a course called "People Pleasing 101" not only could I teach it, but I would have a special segment about rules.
In an early post I labeled my self a "recovering perfectionist and people pleaser." Extreme rule making and following can certainly be a symptom of such. And there is another to this...one that does not seem to fit.
When I become overwhelmed by to-do lists, projects, rules, and such, I tend to shut down and let it all slide away. I've done that with Becoming Me recently.
When I found out that we would have to move once again (our 7th major move in 10 years), I became weary. Not only were we having to move, we were having to move because my husband's job had been discontinued. (I think that's what is called a "double whammy"). And let's make it a triple whammy...he was having a difficult time securing a new job. Even though I honestly was not fretting about the situation because I knew with all my heart that God would make it good in time, I was annoyed with the situation. Moving yearly can be taxing both physically and emotionally. The thought of packing boxes, leaving friends, driving across country, unpacking boxes, making new friends, etc. invoked frustration. No, that's too mild...it made me angry. Really angry. Not with God. Not with my husband, but with life, with the situation.
Although writing has always packed therapeutic value, I had trouble thinking, writing, even praying. I felt overloaded. I'm still feeling a wee bit overloaded.
I'm not weeping. I'm not feeling depressed. I'm not even enraged. I'm just tired and mildly drained.
The good news is that my husband has found another job. We will be moving again...this time to a small town in Ohio. And the move will be soon. The Professor accepted the job offer on Monday, drove to Ohio on Tuesday to find a place to live, signed a lease on Wednesday, and then returned home last night. And guess what? We're moving in two weeks!
I promise you, I'm not complaining...I'm actually quite excited about the move...mildly daunted, but mostly excited. I know that we are not moving alone and that this is just a new chapter in the story God is writing for us. That does make my heart joyful.
I'm not going to give up on writing. But I am going to ease up on some of my self made rules...I may not post something new for another few weeks or even months...or I may be inspired and write something new tomorrow. But that's OK.
(I do promise to reinstate Blog of the Week sometime in the Fall)