Thursday, June 12, 2008

Disappointment

Determined to taunt me, disappointment slyly crept into my personal space several times during the past few days. In the grand scheme of my life, these events didn’t shake any mountains, but they rattled a few nerves and poked several tender spots.

The Professor still has not received a solid job offer for the fall and will be away for several weeks at a time this summer. The artist who promised to illustrate the book I wrote for PapPap suddenly backed away from his commitment to the project. My little Pickle had pneumonia. And, I feel that my writing is failing to resonate and connect with my readers. My blog has lost some subscribers leaving me with a twinge of discomfort.

I weathered worse storms. In fact all of the above combined don’t even qualify as much more than a fleeting rain shower. But still, my heart aches. It’s a dull ache. Not piercing and not one that will last for more than a few days, but it exists.

Always a woman of action, I see a few possibilities to deal with this melancholy malady.

  • I can label myself a “whiney baby” and stuff the emotions deep within; and convince myself that I have no right to feel letdown. After all, there are people who are hurting much deeper than I.
  • I can invite the displeasure to stay and embark on a full scale pity party. I’ve planned those before. In fact if there were money to be made by throwing self-commiserating soirĂ©es The Professor wouldn’t need a job. We’d be sitting pretty in Beverly Hills with the dough I’d rake in.
  • I can take my wounded pride, prickled heart, and hemmed spirit to My Father. I can simply say, “I hurt. Please hold me.” Or I can remain silent, allowing Him to read my yielded soul.

Why the first two often seem the easiest to me is an unknown. They are so ugly, especially in comparison to reaching a shaky arm toward my Savior, allowing His steady hand to grip mine.

I’m choosing option three. And after waiting silently for a few moments of being enveloped in the arms of the King Eternal, I’m going to ask Him for guidance and for truth. I won’t forsake my feelings, but I won’t allow them to lead me astray. I’m going to give them to the One who has felt them firsthand and who knows what needs to be done. And then I will rest. Rest in knowing that someday, when the time is right, beauty will grow among the thorns.

God keeps an eye on his friends, his ears pick up every moan and groan. God won't put up with rebels; he'll cull them from the pack. Is anyone crying for help? God is listening, ready to rescue you. Psalm 34:15-17 (The Message)





33 comments:

Lynn said...

So sorry you are feeling the pain of disappointment. I know you have touched many lives with your honest and vulnerable posts. I will pray for your husband's interview on Friday.

Melissa @ Breath of Life said...

Ditto to what Lynn said.

I don't know how you're checking your subscriptions...but I moved over to Google reader. So if you're checking Bloglines, I'm one of the "lost" subscribers.

God is using you to do an amazing work. Don't let Satan get you down, girl!

Pam said...

I'm sorry you are feeling disappointed. I know I don't always comment- but I do read. Sometimes I am just reading between kid issues and don't have time to comment. I have you in my google reader so I always know when you post. Hang in there- it sounds like you have a great plan to get through all that you are dealing with right now. I hope things look up soon.

Mrs. N. said...

Now, I'm feeling a little silly. I hope this post didn't sound as if I am just complaining over lower blog readings, etc. On top of the other things, that just cropped up as a disappointment. But I think it is either a test from God or a trick from the enemy, because I honestly don't live for comments and I just wrote out my mission statement. LOL. The Lord was good to me last night and I am feeling somewhat better this am. Thanks for the encouragement. Thank you all for the prayers regarding My husband's job situation.

Andrea said...

Angela, your blog is beautiful! Even if you've only reached one person for the day, you've accomplished much!

We all have days like that, don't we? I'm so glad that you feel free to be vulnerable and authentic with your readers. That means more than you know!

Hang in there, friend! It will get better! (and I'm praying for your husband's job situation - I hope that goes without saying!)

GiantsPrincess said...

Angela

I found your Blog through FaithLifts. I was hooked immediately. Each of your posts has touched me in one way or another.

The enemy uses our weaknesses against us so don't let him win!

Nadine

Xandra said...

My heart aches for your feelings of disappointment and discouragement. You have been such a blessing and encouragement to me as I have read about your journey through PPD and all the things that go with it.

Xandra

Fr. Peter Doodes said...

And they took offense at him.
But Jesus said to them, "Only in his hometown and in his own house is a prophet without honor." Matthew C13v57

Angela, (I wonder if God knows you as Angel A?) you are posting to the world in accordance with 2 Corinthians C5v18-19

"God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting peoples sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation".

The important part here is 'to us.'

When you follow in Jesus footsteps all Hell can break loose,it just shows that you ARE being effective!

Blessings to you, all that you love and all that love you..

DKay said...

"In fact if there were money to be made by throwing self-commiserating soirĂ©es The Professor wouldn’t need a job. We’d be sitting pretty in Beverly Hills with the dough I’d rake in."

We would be your next door neighbor because I can throw the best pity party you ever did see!
Love YOU!!!

Darla said...

Ok I'm kinda giggling at the pity-party scenario. I'd be a gazillionaire too. LOL!!!!!

Hang in there, honey, we love you and will keep on readin, no matter what, deal?

Amy B said...

You definitely touch many with your posts. Keep it up!

I pray that your husband's job situation is resolved soon. Keep us updated!

angie said...

This was a beautifully written post. I'm so pleased that you found my blog so that I could find yours......please stop back anytime, and I'll do the same!

Shannon said...

Absolutely beautiful post. Thank you for the honesty of your heart and a great reminder of the right way to handle our adversities. I am a firm believer that the hard times mean you have hit a step up. While its challenging and sometimes painful, once you have reached the next plane, you are far better off.

Perhaps those readers who left were simply making room for new readers like me. Thank you for stopping by today and I feel blessed to have found you.

mizbear said...

YOu may have *lost* some subscribers, but you've found at least one! I too battled with PPD twice - PPD occurring on top of previously diagnosed depression. I understood lots of what you wrote about PPD. LOve your writing and will continue to read :)

Julie said...

I hear what you are saying...it seems like when the enemy comes to us with a thought he tries to bring the whole gamut....striking one chord after another.

There have been several times when I have fought this battle of blogging. I can't tell you how many times I've said, "what's the point?" Especially in regards to the devos I write.

The enemy tries to come and silence our voices...telling us that no one is really listening. It's not about receiving the comments to "boost" the identity... for me it's the battle of writing when the enemy whispers to me, "no one's reading, no one's listening."

I don't know if you struggle with this, but I do. And what Papa takes me back to is why I am writing...what is the point in it all? If it's not for accolades then why do I continue? Because He asked me to.

I hear the enemy whispering to you one thought after another, trying to wear your down. What Fr. Peter said below in one of his comments resonnates....you must be on the right track....you must be dangerous to the kingdom of darkness...cause it looks like he's after you.

Stand strong, dear one. Your voice matters, your life matters...Papa sees, He's coming for you...He's got your future. Rest in His arms as He carries you on.

Hugs,
Julie

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

While you may have lost a few readers (how does one track that really?), you've gained one in me. Keep to the pen. Keep to the heart of the matter. Use the angst to your advantage. All will resurface in time.

peace~elaine

Tiffany Stuart said...

I so understand your position. I am sorry you are disappointed. Sorry about the job for Professor.

I'm there often too, wondering when I blog who am I trying to please God or men?

I do believe in the ministry of one. One at a time I can touch a heart with words. I believe every life matters. And if you do touch one life, who knows what that one person can do. I think of all those saints who were touched by one teacher or coach or friend.

I say stand firm in the battle and grab God's arm. He's got you. And he's never letting go. He will lead you every step of the way.

And hey, if you want to feel better, you get way more comments than I do. I've been blogging for 3plus years and still struggle to break 10 comments with most posts.

I do it to be a voice for the Lord. Whether my blog is read by one or many or just my kids when I die, I want to keep a record of my faith journey.

And to be honest, I don't have the time I would love to have to read lots of blogs. I hate the inner battle about that. i love people and value relationships. Blogging has opened up a whole new set of friends for me. I love that part. And yet some of my local, dear friends never read it. Go figure. Guess the Lord sends the people. Who He wants, when He wants.

Be a voice for Him. If that's your calling, don't stop even in the face of discouragement.

And hey if I ever blog about this, which I probably will someday, remind me to keep at it. For the right reasons...

Hold on, sister.
Love,
Tiffany

Ang baylis said...

God brought me over here tonight and Blessed me through your writing! I appreciate your honesty! I hope you are doing better! I'm not real sure how I found you. I was just clicking around and here we are! Much love to a new sister in Christ!
Love,
Angie xoxo

Corinne said...

A lot of things are heavy on you right now - I would imagine for me, especially, the job situation is so stressful. I really hope that goes well - and I DO have faith that God is in charge of you and your family.

BTW, I was reading my friend Kristy's blog today (she lives in NYC) and I noticed that you'd made a comment there!!! SMALL SMALL world!!

Natalie Witcher said...

He's good and He'll only be good to you.

Tonya said...

sounds like the devil is hard at work trying to get you to stop sharing your heart with your sisters in Christ. Keep sharing because I know for sure you are speaking truth to me. I was actually talking to my hubby about some of your posts and telling him I want to email you. So be watching for me email in the next week, Lord willing :)

Tracy said...

Angela,
I pray that after reading these comments, your heart is being encouraged. There is no doubt your writings are annointed as you beautifully share your heart. Knowing how much your posts have taught me, then multiplying that by countless others and suddenly it makes sense why Satan is trying to throw some discouragement your way. He's threatened by what God is doing through you, girl. Keep holding tight to the Lord. Know that many of your readers are praying for you (and thanking God for you!) (Extra prayers about your husband's interview tomorrow...)

Blessings,
Tracy

Angie said...

I understand. I think it's amazing though that God can use that disappointment to speak through you and teach others about making the right choice. (Rom 8:28) I choose #3 too!

So nice to meet you, Angela.

Amy said...

You are a precious and worthy vessel of the King! Hugs and prayers =)

selahV said...

Disappointment seems to toy with me each and every day. I've posted little notes all over my house and even in my car to remind myself not to take them to heart. "No expectations, let go and let God" is one. Another is "Though childhood may have been rough, it's over." Life likes to keep us on our toes as well as on our knees, I suppose. It was nice to read this post today and have your spirit touch mine. Thought you'd like to know that your vulnerability and disappointment strengthened and encouraged me. Praying God's blessing upon you and your Prof. selahV

Rochelle said...

Beautifully captured... and I'm sorry for sting of disappointment. And I can so relate to how you are feeling these days, but thankfully He is the lifter of our head! Hang in there!

the160acrewoods said...

I know we often wish for straight certainty in life... it would make it so much easier... I'll be praying for you!
hugs! (and I love reading your blog, especailly your series on PPD! It touched me deeply!)

Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

I too am having times where disappointment seems to lurk in all kinds of areas...and then the next minute there's hope, sitting right in front of me.

Option 3 is good...I'm gonna go with that one too :)

Keep up the great writing...it's summer, I think numbers in general are going down for awhile. (that's my theory ;)

it's me, Val said...

(((great big hugs)))

Jamie said...

It is so great that we have the option to take all our cares and disappointments to God and so encouraging to know He cares.
Your blog is a blessing!

graceunbound said...

I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a hug. I love your blog. I don't 'subscribe' to it (being barely technologically savvy enough to create my own blog), but I read it faithfully and every post touches something in my heart. But still, I know how it feels to be disappointed when you don't get the responses you want, or the numbers fall off.

I'll be praying for your husband's job situation; been there and it is a stressful place that makes even the small disappointments seem bigger.

nicole said...

Thank you for sharing your heart - your honesty is refreshing!

LaDeana said...

Thank you very much for commenting on my blog. I believe that Christ lead you there so I could read this post tonight. I am having one of those evenings where things just seem to be bringing me down. From fighting kids to extreme dissappointment in my mother. I have been sitting here feeling sorry for myself. Now that I have read your post however I know that the best thing for me to do is go somewhere quiet and lay it all at Gods feet. He will sort things out for me and put the Peace back in my heart. Thank you so much for your insight and your words. I will pray for you (right now actually) and your husband. Have a Blessed week!

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